Smoking Ban Goes Into Effect

Hey look, it's the D.C. City Council. Or is that Hitler. I get confused, probably because of all the drinking.

The smoking ban, which was approved by an 11-1 vote nearly a year ago, went into effect Jan. 2 in all bars, meaning if you want to take advantage of the rights given to you by the U.S. Constitution and the baby Jesus, you have to freeze your balls off outside all winter. This is a mind-bogglingly stupid idea, and here's why:

1. I have no problem with smoking being banned in restaurants, public places and the like, you shouldn't have to be subjected to unwanted smoke while you chow down on your burger. But, in a bar, the sole purpose of being there is to drink until you can't feel your face, so eight hours later you wake up in a pool of your own bodily fluids with no recollection of how you ended up in the dumpster outside your apartment. Drinking is to Chewbacca as smoking is to Han Solo. They belong together ... because they're both awesome, sweet and cool, like ninjas. And this is coming from someone who smokes casually - basically when I feel like it, maybe a couple packs a year.

2. This is only going to hurt the people who work in bars. First of all, smokers are going to be more tempted to go outside the District for nightlife. Why? Because smoking is legal in Virginia, because Virginia is not full of assholes who try to tell you how to live your life. Well, it is, but at least they'll let you light up. Northern Virginia is accessible by Metro, what's going to stop someone from heading to Arlington or Alexandria, where there are plenty of good bars and they can smoke. Secondly, people who do stay in D.C. will be pulled away from their barstools more often to smoke, cutting into the number of drinks they buy, and ultimately the tips of the employees in your favorite watering hole. That's just shitty.

3. Because I'd bet at least $7 that the group behind this ban is chock full of douchebags. I tracked down their website. Check out SmokeFree DC's mission statement:

We are a group of DC-area residents, workers and visitors who believe that all workers deserve a safe, healthy, smokefree work environment. We support 100% smokefree workplaces, including restaurants and bars, in our nation's capital.

That right there, my friends is a load of bullshit. This isn't about the employees. This is probably a rich group of housewives who don't like it when their expensive shit ends up smelling like smoke. Not one of these people gives a shit about the workers, people they probably consider servants. They're hiding behind the "worker safety" mantra because it's about the only leg they have to stand on. No one's forcing them to go to posh smoke-filled nightspots (I'd prefer they stay home and euthanize themselves anyway but that's beside the point), but the workers they don't have a choice in the matter. In order to make money, they have to show up.

Because the city council members are afraid, or because they're obsessed with political correctness, or because they're several chromosomes behind Corky from Life Goes On, they bought this line of garbage hook, line and sinker.

The major flaw in the "protect the po' workers" logic is that about 90 percent of employees in the restaurant business smoke because it's the only way you can get a break and get off your feet once an hour. If most of the workers smoke, what exactly are people trying to protect them from.

4. Because if I don't smell like smoke the next morning, I'll have no clue I was even out drinking.